sleeping in rain

last night i slowly walked into my room know i wasn't going to be able to sleep because i had way to much on my mind. just sitting there in silence came the rain. a storm waiting to happen. so i decided to let another storm rain down upon me. a conversation with a friend i needed to have. i had been contemplating having it. i knew it needed to happen but i didn't want it to because i didn't want to put out my mistakes and my downfalls. as the conversation progressed the rain came down harder and harder. i'm not even sure if anything got solved or if we just let our angers rain down and be put in front of us. i cried my heart out. i cried harder than i've cried in a long time. the rain stopped and i'm satisfied. as the conversation stopped so did the rain outside.

dreams

i was in a conversation with someone the other day and they asked me why i don't dream like i used to. i didn't really have an answer at the time, well i didn't have the root answer at the time. i think the reason i haven't been dreaming big is because every dream i have gets shot down like nothing. people call it ridiculous and tell me right then and there that it will never happen. even if i don't expect them to come true i want to dream. i want to have the hope that the impossible will happen. i don't know if my lack of dreams is me just being realistic or the effect of being shut down so many times. maybe i just don't have the need to dream big. maybe i don't know. i want to dream i just can't. i find the irrationalness of the dream and shoot it down before it ever has a chance. i just, i don't know. i have one dream i won't lose hope on though. it's probably the craziest dream of all. it won't be crushed. i won't let it. i won't lose hope of this dream, not until the day i die. this dream will live on forever.

lucky 13

it's funny to think that at age sixteen i start to think i'm on top of the world, or well i used to think i was on top of the world. but in this position who wouldn't. i had the best of friends, i was on top of the tennis team, i could get by without trying, i had the perfect community, i had every reason to feel on top of the world. the funny part is at age sixteen you are still a baby. you haven't seen the world, how can you be on top of it? i can be swallowed by the world, i am swallowed by the world. i'm just a simple person in bakersfield, california. i am just one person. but with God i can be one voice and a voice can turn into a hundred voices and with the right words being that voice you can make an army. and an army led by God is unstoppable.

just be...

last night at church i heard four people talk about their accountability group. they have this phrase, just be, which they all talked about. 'just be' is the concept of how we need to get out of the way and let God take over. we need to not try to be too much or too little, we need to just be. be who God wants us to be. we need to just be humble. just be patient. just be loving. just be obedient. just be encouraging. just be willing. the four guys gave their testimonies about their "just be..." and afterwards they encouraged us to find our own "just be..." i have been thinking about my "just be" today and i think it would have to be ''just be willing." i look at the day and see all these opportunities that i have to share God's word and i either get scared or find some other reason to not share. God sits there giving me opportunity after opportunity and i need to just be willing to listen and do whatever it takes to share his word his love with the world.

this frozen moment is melting

this feeling i have is a strange one. it is sadness and happiness. confusion and peace. strength and weakness. i feel as i am losing relationships without a chance to stop it but then i am rebuilding friendships with some great people. the friendships i am losing is hard to see slip away when i do not feel i am ready to let them go. it is hard to see how once we talked about the world and our dreams and fears but now we do not get any further than the weather. but it is fun to see the rebuilding of childhood friendships. i love talking about my goals and the way God works in our lives with these people. they teach me a lot with everything they do.
i do not know if these changes in friendships are just what happens with this thing called "growing up" or is it God showing me that he is the only constant that i can hold onto. is he showing me that i can still go on even if my biggest fear comes true. there is so much i can learn from these yet i still want to keep them from happening. i am confused and i am okay with it. i do not mind not knowing how this will turn out. i trust that God has his hand in this therefore i do not have be afraid. i think i am going to be okay.

creepy!

so i really want to write something but i have no idea what to write. boom! i have an idea! so the first thing that came to my mind is how eric read me like an open book last night. (which apparently not the hardest things) first of all i have to say it is like the sickest thing in the world. like he starts talking and all of a sudden he just read my soul. he figures out things in a day of observing me that i don't figure out in a lifetime. that is probably my favorite thing he does. it is soo sick. but last night was one that i had actually thought about before, well in terms of school. but then he took it to another level when he told me how it effects my relationships with people. what he had said(in case you are confused) was that i chose to not be smart. he said my reasoning for this is that i rather fail because i only gave some effort than to fail when i give it my all. this way i can say i didn't really try. put that into my friendships and it explains soo much. he flat out showed me why i get so hurt by the littlest things involving friendships. eric is a smart dude. but then again we all know that. well i don't really have much more to write and i am tired so i am going to leave you at that. i will write again soon, hopefully.

ps-so if i write the word "i'm" my spell check says that it is spelled wrong because i didn't capitalize the 'i' but if i say ''i am'' it doesn't say that it's wrong. weirrrd

i don't understand

i really don't. i don't understand how i could be so blessed to have the most amazing people in my life. there is no way i could have a better combination of friends. they are so amazing. they show me the light of a dark day. they are my smile when i frown. my friends are the reason why i'm glad i'm not an egg! so today i realized how amazing i have it. i never really called anyone my best friend until i entered high school. it just wasn't how i did things. i realized today i have three absolutely fabulous incredible best friends. i don't need much more. they will love me no matter how dumb i am, badly i screw up, even when i fall into sin they will be there for me. the best part is that i will be there for them in those times as well. i know i am really super babbling right now but i am just sooo excited. in the last 48 hours i have come to terms with how lucky i am. do you realize that i would be lost right now without my friends? they show me the path when i start wondering into the woods. without them i would be sitting in my room lonely. my friends keep me accountable. i keep them accountable. when i am struggling i can go to them and when they are struggling they can come to me. i don't really know, i don't understand. i just to want to write down all my happy feelings. i am so happy that i have these friends. i am soo blessed. i don't understand how i could be so lucky to have a perfect combination of friends. i have been so worried about losing people to the future but i should just let it come at me. there's nothing i can't go through with them by my side. God has blessed me. he has given me these friends to help me through hard times and celebrate the happy times. i just don't know how else to describe how i feel besides saying that at this point in time i feel like the luckiest person alive. thankyou. thankyou to my friends who are there for me and who allow me to be there for them. i love you guys!

friends....

for some reason the last couple days i have thought a lot about friends and relationships. it's funny how you can have the most amazing friendship with someone but then one fight can completely destroy it. well it's not funny actually. actually i don't understand it. i don't understand how one day you can call someone your best friend and the next day not want anything to do with them. and that's it. you never hear their side of the story. from there on out everything they do is just some terrible thing, when before you would say it's just them being them. when before you would help them if they had a problem, but now you just gossip about how dumb there troubles are. i just don't get how you could do that to someone you called your best friend at one point. this made me think about how fast we jump to conclusions. you can come to a conclusion way to fast one day that ends up ruining a perfectly good friendship. it just breaks my heart to see things like this happen.

thankyou,

this weekend was really really great. i spent it with the people who i love the most. yes, there were ups and downs but if there weren't any downs it wouldn't make the ups so good. i loved the laughs, the hugs, the time spent with my best friend. if this was my last weekend ever, i would be ok with it because i was with my three favorite people of all the world. i got to go shopping with my anna. i got to watch newsies with anna and brendon. i got to have breakfast with brendon and anna. i got to spend the day with them. i got to hang out and be crazy with molly. i saw how much people care. i got to eat a pie with a really long name with anna. i got breakfast with anna and brendon. i went to church with the family. most of all, i felt loved and safe all weekend. what more can you ask for.
i hate to break it to anyone who think they have the best, best friend in the world because they don't because they don't have my best friend. she is the most loving person in the world. she's funny, crazy, caring, considerate, compassionate, loving, hopeful, and the most amazing person in the entire world. she always knows how to make me laugh, make me feel safe, make me feel loved, and make me feel like nothing bad can possibly happen. i thank God for her everyday. she has taught me how to cackle, cry, hope, look at the bright side, and to trust in God. i love her more than anything and am so blessed to have her as my best friend.

song of the day...

feels like today

I Woke up this morning
With this feeling inside me that I can't explain
like a weight that I've carried
Been carried away, away

But I know something is coming
I don't know what it is
But I know it's amazing, you save me
My time is coming
And I'll find my way out of this longest drought...

It feels like today I know
It feels like today I'm sure
It's the one thing that's missin'
The one thing I'm wishin'
Life's sacred blessin' and then
It feels like today
Feels like today

You treat life like a picture
But it's not a moment thats frozen in time
It's not gonna wait
Til you make up your mind, at all

So while this storm is breaking
While there's light at the end of the tunnel
Keep running towards it
Releasing the pressure, that's my heartache
Soon this dam will break

And it feels like today I know,
it feels like today, I'm sure
It's the one thing that's missin'
The one thing you're wishin'
Life's sacred blessin' and then,
It feels like today

Feels like, feels like your life changes
Feels like, feels like your life changes

It's the one thing that's missin'
The one thing you're wishin'
Life's sacred blessin' and then,
It feels like today

Feels like, feels like your life changes
Feels like, feels like your life changes

you treat life like a picture...

i don't want it to be a picture. i don't want it to be a moment frozen in time. i want to find my way out of this miserable drought. i feel like i'm just getting deeper and deeper in this tunnel of i don't know what. i start to see the end of the tunnel but it then get's blocked. i'm scared to death of what happens next. i just want it to be over. i want to get past this picture. it's not a flattering picture. it's a nightmare frozen in time. what do i do? i have no idea. i'm tired of wondering everyday what will happen next. what else can be thrown at me? i can't handle any more. i want to know i will be ok. i want to know that i will get out of it in one piece. i have head knowledge that God will get me through it, but my heart isn't too sure of it. i don't know how any being could get me out of this crap of a situation. i feel like i am in the middle of a hurricane that is never ending. i don't know how a storm this big will ever end.  

wow!

so i recently read this book about this guy who asked God to use him and provide for him and every time God did, he was faithful and loving every time. so this morning i had asked God to help me talk to somebody about him today. i got to school and i was really excited about it but by third period i didn't believe it would happen. i just couldn't find a good opportunity in a class or at lunch. i kind of gave up by seventh period and decided i would try again tomorrow. then when i was watching the tennis matches after school my bag had fallen and my bible slipped out. this guy and girl saw it. the girl had pointed it out and asked me why i brought it to school. and this brought on conversation. it wasn't the most elaborate conversation but the guy and i talked for about fifteen minutes. as the conversation started i totally went back to my prayer this morning and realized how foolish i was to not trust that God would provide. eric talked about that yesterday, "if you can't trust God with everything, then you can't trust people with anything." when i went home i thought about how many things i trust myself with more than i trust God. boy am i dumb. but God really is perfect and for the first time in a long time i felt God in my life and believed that he can conquer all. he is an amazing and perfect God. 

cluster

i have been thinking the last day or so about who i am. i really do let people control who i am which stops me from being me. i tried to justify it, but we all know how well that works out these days. but then i thought, having to justify it just proves that i'm wrong. i do need to learn how to be myself, not anyone else. i need to be me. i find it funny that it takes someone i just met to tell me this before i will actually listen. so something i'm going to work on in the next couple months is to be me, not anyone else, but me. thankyou :p

heart<3

so i have always been told that tennis is forty percent skill, sixty percent mental game, and one-hundred percent heart. without heart there is no point to play. when you lose heart everything else will soon be lost as well. in all honesty i lost heart this summer. i lost the love of the game. i completed the goals i made when i was eleven years old and i couldn't find any other reason to play. i was then playing for the fact that i had too, i was expected too, i didn't know how to walk away. i wanted to, i really wanted to just give it up. there was no fun in playing. when i lost heart i then started losing my confidence. i couldn't find out how to win. i didn't believe that i could make shots so i wasn't making them. it was a complete domino effect. in a matter of three months everything that made me a good player was gone(well not that i had a very good mental game anyways). last thursday i lost to some foreign exchange student in a league match, it was my first league loss in three years. my mom had said something to me after the match that she used to say about me but i hadn't heard it since december. that got my head spinning. i went on to lose the doubles match to the schools number two and four player. i lost it. i was ready to quit right then and there. my mom told me to think about it, give it the weekend and we would make a decision. the next couple of days i thought about a lot of things: why i was playing, that phrase my mom had said, why i couldn't play like i wanted to, and was i really going to let some girl from another country take my title away from me as swyl champ. i decided i was going to finish out the season. i am going to go for it all. i am going all the way. i am going to give it all i got. for the first time in three months i want to play. somehow i found out where the heart of the game was hiding, i grabbed it, and i'm holding on to it as tight as possible.

this image

 so i have two images in my head. i absolutely love both images. i both images are important to me. i want both to last forever but i know neither will.

the first image is of this person serving a tennis ball which they know will be an ace to win the biggest tournament of the year. at the cameras view of the picture you see this girl who wants the win more than anything in the world. the view of the camera shows heart, passion, love, eagerness, and perseverance to win. at the view of the person you see the ball and the gorgeous sky above. nothing else. the person has no thoughts going through their head while the two images are being seen. in this second time is stopped, life stands still. the second before, this the person had a million thoughts in their head: about what they wanted to do with the ball, where their opponent can hit the ball, even what happened in the last point. in the second after this frozen picture the person will be thinking about their next move will be, where will need to be, and if they should come into the shot. but in the second where the person only sees the ball and the sky they are free, it's the best part of the match.

the second image is of a group of friends laughing after being reminded of a memory that they all shared. they have no worries of what is to come when they leave the place they are at. no worries of the day that they just had. they only know about the memory and the smiles of each other as the laugh about it. these friends all love each other and share many memories together. they live for that moment of laughter, of freedom, of knowledge that they will be there for each other until the end. this moment of laughter will last less than a minute but it will leave an impression on at least one of the friends forever. within thirty seconds they will move on to a new subject but during that time they were all free; free from worries, free from fear, and free from time.

these two images mean the world to me. i don't want to let them go, ever. 

kids these days...

today while i was watching a tennis match on tv this guy got in trouble because he wouldn't throw the ball back to the players. a thought went through my head, "why didn't he just hide it? no one would know. oh wait, someone would tattle on him." that got me thinking, my mind set at first was that no one would say anything because at school i would so be able to get away with something like that. everyone always bags on "kids these days." i hear all the time how  "kids these days" have no respect, we rot our brains with electronics, we have absolutely no consideration of anything around us. i have even been told that "kids these days" are going to ruin america because we are just that terrible. i don't know if this is just adults way to try to get us to work harder, to try to be better people but there is something really big that we have that i don't see in adults. "kids these days" have loyalty. ''kids these days'' will stick together no matter what. for one example, if somebody's phone goes off in class the entire class will cover it up so that whoever phone it was couldn't get it taken away. or if somebody did more on their homework than was assigned for whatever reason, everyone will try to get the teacher to give that person extra credit. we may be lazy, we may not care what people think but we will help each other out.

i'm sorry...

so pretty much i screwed up. i tend to screw up a lot but i can't get over this one. i don't know how long it will take me to get over this one. i'm sorry, i know i messed up and i wish i could change it. i didn't consider it to be gossip, i was just trying to get my anger out. i didn't mean for it to explode. i didn't mean to hurt anyone. i guess that's just what i do. i've never felt so low and so much like a mistake in my life. i just want everything to be ok, i am soo sorry. i don't know what i can do to make it better. tell me what i can do to make it better and i will. the only thing is i don't know if there is anything i can do. 

if i could do anything in the world it would be to go to the brooklyn bridge. it has always been a symbol of freedom to me. it now has two symbols, two meanings now. two complete opposite meanings. it's my lighthouse and my escape. 

it's funny, people tell you to change but no matter if you change or not if you are labeled once you will forever be labeled with that. for example, i used to hit myself when i played tennis. people who never saw me do that will still label me as a masochist because i USED TO do that. it never goes through my head to slap my thigh or hit my calf, but yet people are still convinced i that i do. so, even if i never gossip again in my life i will always be known as a gossip. i try to make excuses to why it's not that bad but it is. it is very hurtful. i am going to try my hardest to never gossip again. yes, i know every once in a while i might it caught in it but i'm done. i never want to do it again. i know you probably don't believe me but it's true. you most likely will never trust me again and i know that but i am going to try and change that.

mehh! yeah that's right

i have so many thoughts in my head that just won't come out. most of them good thoughts. i can't really explain it though. i hate how i'm suppose to set an example on the tennis team, i am the last person in the world who should set an example, especially on the tennis court. my coach expects me to be perfect and have everything together but i totally do not. as soon as he realizes that we will get along a lot better. 

either i'm to loud or i'm too quiet and somethings wrong. how do you expect people to change if you think somethings wrong when they do? this i don't understand. i will probably never understand. goodness, life cracks me up. like honestly do that math, i get told all the time i need to learn to how to be quiet but whenever i am i get accused of being upset or something along that lines. hey, you can't please people. 

so i was thinking, my whole life i had this image of this perfect life. it was very vague. i would have giant holidays with everyone in my family there. for christmas i would have a snowy day and all my relatives would be in one place snuggled in warm blankets and drink hot chocolate with a fireplace. for thanksgiving we could have a giant bbq and have a family football game where everyone in the family would play. we would end the night with everyone watching a movie. for fourth of july i have always wanted to have a giant picnic. getting the entire town involved. we would have games and hotdogs and everyone would just celebrate everything that we have because we live in a free country that was  fought for. those are just some of the holiday ideas i have always had. they won't ever happen, but that's why it's perfect. you can only dream about perfection.

i love my life, i love my friends, i love my family. 

summer!

 so i listening to rascal flatts in the car today and had a flashback to the day before summer started when i was listening to the song and i had so many plans for the summer and was so excited because i was going to do so many different things and i had a list of things i wanted to do. to me if i finished the list that would mean i had a good eventful summer. well out of a list of thirty things i completed eight things and they were the more broad things. out of those eight things two of them are in my list of highlights of the summer. it's funny how i tried to plan what i thought a good summer would be. i had one of, if not the best summers ever. i learned how to be spontaneous and i learned how to be happy with who i am. and at the end i'm a happier person now than when the summer started. it's pretty great how God works like that. he puts me in the weirdest situations and gives me the best of friends to get through it. that's pretty much my summer in a summary. well kind of...

distance can't break true friendship

one of my friends wrote this quote on my wall after she and i had a conversation about how i'm really bummed about how so many of my good friends are starting to leave for college, to start the rest of their lives. me, being the debbie downer i am, was telling her how i will never be as good of friends with this people again. as soon as they get in their cars and leave for college our friendships will go down hill from there. i was telling her how it's not necessarily a bad thing because i know God has a plan for everything and i am friends with these people for a reason. i told this friend how i can specifically tell you why one of the people leaving for college is my friend. in all reality if it weren't for this person i would be a complete wreck and that's why i know God has a plan. i pretty much was preparing myself for the worst, which i am pretty sure the worst is going to come concerning these friendships. but then when i got this quote i became hopeful. i have something to hope for. now part of me now believes that distance really can't break true friendship. it's the first hope i've had in a while concerning this matter. i'm still really sad about everyone leaving, but i now have hope that i won't lose my friends. and hope is what need.

it has to come to an end sometime

so i was thinking the other day about how many things that won't happen anymore once this month is over, or even this year is over. like i won't have anymore family outings with my pretend family, in two months i'll never live in the same city as a lot of the people i'm friends with, this is my last year i'll do church trips with molly. it's just so weird to me how we let things that are so amazing slip through our hands. i was trying to figure out why all these great things that have happened to me is stopping or leaving. then i realized that if things never ended we wouldn't be able to appreciate then. if things didn't go away we wouldn't take time to acknowledge their greatness and the joy their bring to us. so even though i hate how it feels like life is going so fast that i feel that if i blink i will miss so much i know that if it didn't feel like that i wouldn't be able to care about things the way i do. anyways, i don't know if you understand where i was going with that but that was my thought of the day. 

peace <3

it could be stripped away..

so i was playing tennis today, trying to figure out why i'm still playing at this day. i started playing tennis when i was in first grade because i was jealous that my sister got to go to tennis every sunday and i didn't. most kids that i played with at that age are on to different things they love. God gave me this talent so i could worship him and i use it to show off. why do i waste such a thing like that. i could worship God every time i play but instead i use it to pride myself up. God could take this ability away from me any second with a blink of an eye and i take it for granite. i could get in a car crash and lose a limb. i could break my arm and it not heal right and never  be able to play again. God can let just about anything happen that would make me never be able to play tennis again. when i realized that i realized that i should be playing tennis to worship God and give him all the glory. i think if i start doing that i would be so much happier when i play because i then will know i am playing for the right reasons. i'm no longer playing to win, i'm not playing to get another valley championship. i am playing to worship God with the talent he gave me, because i can lose it at any second and i would have wasted an ability to show God's love through my actions on myself. 

wildwood debrief

ok, so i came home from wildwood like two days ago. okay it wasn't "like" two days ago. it was two days ago and i just wanted to write about my adventures with it. so when i was on my way up to the mountains i was kind of nervous because all of my memories of wildwood from the previous year was with people that weren't going to be there. but i went up there with the mindset that i was going to grow in my relationship with God and with friends. that's exactly what happened. on monday we had a persecution night where we had to go to an "underground" church and sneak there because if we go caught we would be "persecuted." i had gotten stopped once by the persecutors and they had asked some really tough questions. on the way back from the church we went to the night for worship i was talking to molly and we were saying how we couldn't really get into it and pretend it was real. but on the way back i was also going through what the guy had told me before he let me go. it made me really want to learn the bible and research it like we do on library day.  the next couple days in solo time i was working on that. not just reading the bible but understanding it and taking something out of everytime i read in it. then thursday came along and God just revealed himself to me in so many ways. first in solo time i was feeling really down and lost and i had prayed about it and then like seconds after i had said amen katie j started singing a song about if you feel lost just turn to God and he will find you. then at the ropes course that day, well during debried of the ropes course, mallory, our pawn, talked about how on the plank she would start off touching us and guiding us through it but as we got farther along and faster she would lift her hands from our backs but she was going there if we would slip even though we couldn't feel her. that was probably the best analogy i heard that week. then finally when we went to ponderosa, i loved talking to the girls and helping them out and thier look on their faces when we wanted to pray for them. i knew for a fact that God is with us and speaks through us. that was probably the best part of the week.

now this is where we talk about my friend relationships that i built. pretty much relationships are being built left and right. i really think i got closer to every one that went which was really fun. i don't really know how to say how amazing the relationships became. but all in all it was an incredible week and it was all because of GOD.

wildwood!

so tomorrow i leave for wildwood and i'm really excited for it. honestly i'm really sad that none of the graduated seniors are going because they were the main people i hung out with last year and i made such great friendships with them during this week last year, but i think it will just help me make new friendships and work on my relationship with God without being distracted. so for that i am really excited for wildwood. i'm excited to meet the people we will be teaming up with. i'm excited for the adventures that will come of the week. i'm just excited! i am especially excited to work on my relationship with God, which i totally know i need to work on big time! well that's all i really have for this post because my brain doesn't work past 10pm and it's 11pm! also, in advanced i would like to wish anna a happy birthday(hint:she's old officially in four days). well goodbye everyone, i'll see you in a week! woohoo

if birds didn't fly

so the title of this post has absolutely nothing to do with i post, i don't think. actually i might find some illogical way to make it fit, but that's the story of my life. anyways i really don't know what i want to put in this blog. i have been thinking on and off about making a blog the last couple months because i have so much in my head and it's easier for me to have thinks written out but i'm a terrible writer so i kept pushing it off. so i finally made a blog when i accidentally started making one when i went to write a comment on the DR blog. but anyways, cause no one really cares about why i made a blog, so it's five days before i go to wildwood and i am completely stoked for it. i am kind of nervous in a way but mostly excited though it will be kind of weird because most of the people i hung out with and made memories with will not be there this year. it will be fun though, it will be a time to get close with other people that i'm not extremely close to now and it will be a good time to connect with God in a way that is much harder to do with the distractions that come with living in a city where everything is controlled by time. so for that i am really excited. oh by the way if you haven't noticed by now i babble a lot. 

have you ever had so many emotions and thoughts in your head that you just don't know how to explain it or know what to say? well that's kind of where i'm at right now. it's like my mouth is moving but nothing is coming out. i know that i want to say something but there's so many words that are going through my brain that i don't know where to go with it. these are times when i really just want to go out to a mountain with a single tree and watch the sunset or dance like zac effron in high school musical 2. yeah that was a pretty cheesy comparison, but yeah i'm not going to change it. i think this is why people who meditate are so much calmer than i am, because they clear their heads and can concentrate on like just one thing or even nothing. that is something i will never be able to do, my mind goes all over the place though. anyways, i'm out of things to babble about for now but don't worry i will have more things to babble about later and maybe it will turn into actual thoughts and ideas one day....or maybe not:)