what i want?

i don't know what i want any more. you say you love me but there are so many ways that show me that you don't. to you, i'm a convenience, someone you go to when you can't find anyone else. i know that's not how you see it, but it's how i feel. you treat our friendship as a game. i tried my hardest to blind myself from all of them but i can't do it anymore. this is how i feel. i know you'll think i'm selfish, maybe i am but this is how i feel. but at the end of the day i still want to be your friend. i will still do anything for you, you would do anything for me, or you used to. you have done so much for me, so much to help me find you i am today. that is what clouds my mind when you hurt me. you were always there for me. but life changes. people change. we changed. but after all is said and done i need you as a friend. i try to convince myself otherwise. i try to go other people for what i would go to you for but it's not the same. they don't understand me like you do. this game you play is life and i can't get through it without you. you promised i wouldn't have to. i don't believe in promises anymore. i just want it to go back to normal. i miss you, with all my heart. do i keep trying or just give up? that's the thought i struggle with all the time. then i remember one very important quote: when you feel like giving up, remember why you held on in the first place. that is what brings me back all the time. you will never be a person i'll be okay with losing as a friend. you have done so much for me. i love you with all my heart. at one point i didn't know how terrible my life would be without you. you are an amazing person. don't forget that. you have changed my life so much, every part in a good way. you got me through it all, when no one else could. so, treat me however you want. i have gotten through getting treated worse than you could ever treat me. but promise me one thing. promise me you'll always love me. i can get through anything knowing that. i love you.

quote book

connected by a quote book and five bracelets. five different people. five different stories. a million different thoughts. one dream.
when i thought i could never trust anyone like i once trusted my family, God brought four amazing friends to me. they are so amazing. we laugh. we cry. we share the same feelings. you can't get to one of us without the other four's approval. we cheer for each other during everything great. we struggle with each other with every hardships. you break one of our hearts and you broke all of our hearts. we don't use each other. we don't treat each other like old news. we are there and strong. i have friends that treat me well, they go to me for advice as do i to them. we are five people who you would never guess were friends but we are connected by a quote book and five bracelets. five different people. five different stories. a million thoughts. one dream.

gotta love it

gotta love friends.
gotta love life.
gotta love God
gotta love circumstances.
gotta love family.
gotta love jokes.
gotta love music.
you just gotta love it.
this life we are in is just a moment.
it will pass. this is just our temperary
home and then we will forever be in
perfection and it will all be okay.
so love the opportunities you are in
because they are just are ways for us
to show the love of God

Dear friend,

i was once told that writing is the greatest way of getting your feelings out. i write this here because i'm not ready for you to see this but i need to get it out. i don't mean this to be bitter but it's what i feel and i believe that it needs to come out once and for all. you have hurt me way to much. i love you so i cover it up with excuse after excuse but you have hurt me bad. you think that you can thrash my life to please your own self and say sorry so it will be okay. it's not. i want to be around you. i want to love you. i want it to be how it was. it never will be though. it might get better but there will always be that wall between us. there are days i want to just fall into your arms and have you say it was a mistake and you take it all back and that you will always be there for me, from now on. there are days that i want nothing to do with you, i see how you have hurt me and everyone around me and that is enough for me to want nothing to do with you. but i know i don't want nothing to do with you, it's just weird now. i want it to not be weird. i want it to be normal. i want us to have a normal relationship. it's only a dream though. you will never be truly sorry about what you have done so i think i will always have anger towards you. but maybe, with God, it will change.

orange juice

you think that you life is going well when all of a sudden it changes in a blink of an eye and you cant stop it. the other day my mom told me that i had lost the spark that i used to have. she said how i'm no longer the girl full of joy that was always happy. she said i was defensive and saw the negative in the night. we both knew why. i talked to my best friend and she could point out why i wasn't happy but no one can do a thing about it. all anyone can say is that's what happens when you grow up: this change and people move. that speaks to me that the spark that was there will never be there again so i better go look for a new one. it's not what i want but it's what is truth. no room for slant truth in this situation. last year should have been the worst year of my life but it wasn't. i would live it over again in a heart beat. i knew who my friends were and i knew they would be there for me under any circumstance but now i don't know. i don't know anything. no, i know two things. i know that my life is changing and i'm growing up and there is nothing i can do to stop it and i know that God is the only one that truly is there for me under any circumstance. i think that alone can bring back the spark that was once there. but it will be a different spark but it will be there:)

Dear John,

so i read this book and it totally changed my view of things, my view of love. i know it was just a stupid book and i know people say books like this warp with girls brains and isn't good, but it shows that love is real. it most definitely isn't perfect and isn't easy but it can be real. for the first time in my life i think that love can last forever. but with one mistake you can lose the one you love forever. you don't have to know someone your whole life to know that you love them, but it might take a lifetime to know how to love them. this book had one idea, what does love really mean. love means that you care for another person's happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the choices you face might be.