song of the day...

feels like today

I Woke up this morning
With this feeling inside me that I can't explain
like a weight that I've carried
Been carried away, away

But I know something is coming
I don't know what it is
But I know it's amazing, you save me
My time is coming
And I'll find my way out of this longest drought...

It feels like today I know
It feels like today I'm sure
It's the one thing that's missin'
The one thing I'm wishin'
Life's sacred blessin' and then
It feels like today
Feels like today

You treat life like a picture
But it's not a moment thats frozen in time
It's not gonna wait
Til you make up your mind, at all

So while this storm is breaking
While there's light at the end of the tunnel
Keep running towards it
Releasing the pressure, that's my heartache
Soon this dam will break

And it feels like today I know,
it feels like today, I'm sure
It's the one thing that's missin'
The one thing you're wishin'
Life's sacred blessin' and then,
It feels like today

Feels like, feels like your life changes
Feels like, feels like your life changes

It's the one thing that's missin'
The one thing you're wishin'
Life's sacred blessin' and then,
It feels like today

Feels like, feels like your life changes
Feels like, feels like your life changes

you treat life like a picture...

i don't want it to be a picture. i don't want it to be a moment frozen in time. i want to find my way out of this miserable drought. i feel like i'm just getting deeper and deeper in this tunnel of i don't know what. i start to see the end of the tunnel but it then get's blocked. i'm scared to death of what happens next. i just want it to be over. i want to get past this picture. it's not a flattering picture. it's a nightmare frozen in time. what do i do? i have no idea. i'm tired of wondering everyday what will happen next. what else can be thrown at me? i can't handle any more. i want to know i will be ok. i want to know that i will get out of it in one piece. i have head knowledge that God will get me through it, but my heart isn't too sure of it. i don't know how any being could get me out of this crap of a situation. i feel like i am in the middle of a hurricane that is never ending. i don't know how a storm this big will ever end.  

wow!

so i recently read this book about this guy who asked God to use him and provide for him and every time God did, he was faithful and loving every time. so this morning i had asked God to help me talk to somebody about him today. i got to school and i was really excited about it but by third period i didn't believe it would happen. i just couldn't find a good opportunity in a class or at lunch. i kind of gave up by seventh period and decided i would try again tomorrow. then when i was watching the tennis matches after school my bag had fallen and my bible slipped out. this guy and girl saw it. the girl had pointed it out and asked me why i brought it to school. and this brought on conversation. it wasn't the most elaborate conversation but the guy and i talked for about fifteen minutes. as the conversation started i totally went back to my prayer this morning and realized how foolish i was to not trust that God would provide. eric talked about that yesterday, "if you can't trust God with everything, then you can't trust people with anything." when i went home i thought about how many things i trust myself with more than i trust God. boy am i dumb. but God really is perfect and for the first time in a long time i felt God in my life and believed that he can conquer all. he is an amazing and perfect God. 

cluster

i have been thinking the last day or so about who i am. i really do let people control who i am which stops me from being me. i tried to justify it, but we all know how well that works out these days. but then i thought, having to justify it just proves that i'm wrong. i do need to learn how to be myself, not anyone else. i need to be me. i find it funny that it takes someone i just met to tell me this before i will actually listen. so something i'm going to work on in the next couple months is to be me, not anyone else, but me. thankyou :p

heart<3

so i have always been told that tennis is forty percent skill, sixty percent mental game, and one-hundred percent heart. without heart there is no point to play. when you lose heart everything else will soon be lost as well. in all honesty i lost heart this summer. i lost the love of the game. i completed the goals i made when i was eleven years old and i couldn't find any other reason to play. i was then playing for the fact that i had too, i was expected too, i didn't know how to walk away. i wanted to, i really wanted to just give it up. there was no fun in playing. when i lost heart i then started losing my confidence. i couldn't find out how to win. i didn't believe that i could make shots so i wasn't making them. it was a complete domino effect. in a matter of three months everything that made me a good player was gone(well not that i had a very good mental game anyways). last thursday i lost to some foreign exchange student in a league match, it was my first league loss in three years. my mom had said something to me after the match that she used to say about me but i hadn't heard it since december. that got my head spinning. i went on to lose the doubles match to the schools number two and four player. i lost it. i was ready to quit right then and there. my mom told me to think about it, give it the weekend and we would make a decision. the next couple of days i thought about a lot of things: why i was playing, that phrase my mom had said, why i couldn't play like i wanted to, and was i really going to let some girl from another country take my title away from me as swyl champ. i decided i was going to finish out the season. i am going to go for it all. i am going all the way. i am going to give it all i got. for the first time in three months i want to play. somehow i found out where the heart of the game was hiding, i grabbed it, and i'm holding on to it as tight as possible.