this frozen moment is melting

this feeling i have is a strange one. it is sadness and happiness. confusion and peace. strength and weakness. i feel as i am losing relationships without a chance to stop it but then i am rebuilding friendships with some great people. the friendships i am losing is hard to see slip away when i do not feel i am ready to let them go. it is hard to see how once we talked about the world and our dreams and fears but now we do not get any further than the weather. but it is fun to see the rebuilding of childhood friendships. i love talking about my goals and the way God works in our lives with these people. they teach me a lot with everything they do.
i do not know if these changes in friendships are just what happens with this thing called "growing up" or is it God showing me that he is the only constant that i can hold onto. is he showing me that i can still go on even if my biggest fear comes true. there is so much i can learn from these yet i still want to keep them from happening. i am confused and i am okay with it. i do not mind not knowing how this will turn out. i trust that God has his hand in this therefore i do not have be afraid. i think i am going to be okay.

creepy!

so i really want to write something but i have no idea what to write. boom! i have an idea! so the first thing that came to my mind is how eric read me like an open book last night. (which apparently not the hardest things) first of all i have to say it is like the sickest thing in the world. like he starts talking and all of a sudden he just read my soul. he figures out things in a day of observing me that i don't figure out in a lifetime. that is probably my favorite thing he does. it is soo sick. but last night was one that i had actually thought about before, well in terms of school. but then he took it to another level when he told me how it effects my relationships with people. what he had said(in case you are confused) was that i chose to not be smart. he said my reasoning for this is that i rather fail because i only gave some effort than to fail when i give it my all. this way i can say i didn't really try. put that into my friendships and it explains soo much. he flat out showed me why i get so hurt by the littlest things involving friendships. eric is a smart dude. but then again we all know that. well i don't really have much more to write and i am tired so i am going to leave you at that. i will write again soon, hopefully.

ps-so if i write the word "i'm" my spell check says that it is spelled wrong because i didn't capitalize the 'i' but if i say ''i am'' it doesn't say that it's wrong. weirrrd

i don't understand

i really don't. i don't understand how i could be so blessed to have the most amazing people in my life. there is no way i could have a better combination of friends. they are so amazing. they show me the light of a dark day. they are my smile when i frown. my friends are the reason why i'm glad i'm not an egg! so today i realized how amazing i have it. i never really called anyone my best friend until i entered high school. it just wasn't how i did things. i realized today i have three absolutely fabulous incredible best friends. i don't need much more. they will love me no matter how dumb i am, badly i screw up, even when i fall into sin they will be there for me. the best part is that i will be there for them in those times as well. i know i am really super babbling right now but i am just sooo excited. in the last 48 hours i have come to terms with how lucky i am. do you realize that i would be lost right now without my friends? they show me the path when i start wondering into the woods. without them i would be sitting in my room lonely. my friends keep me accountable. i keep them accountable. when i am struggling i can go to them and when they are struggling they can come to me. i don't really know, i don't understand. i just to want to write down all my happy feelings. i am so happy that i have these friends. i am soo blessed. i don't understand how i could be so lucky to have a perfect combination of friends. i have been so worried about losing people to the future but i should just let it come at me. there's nothing i can't go through with them by my side. God has blessed me. he has given me these friends to help me through hard times and celebrate the happy times. i just don't know how else to describe how i feel besides saying that at this point in time i feel like the luckiest person alive. thankyou. thankyou to my friends who are there for me and who allow me to be there for them. i love you guys!

friends....

for some reason the last couple days i have thought a lot about friends and relationships. it's funny how you can have the most amazing friendship with someone but then one fight can completely destroy it. well it's not funny actually. actually i don't understand it. i don't understand how one day you can call someone your best friend and the next day not want anything to do with them. and that's it. you never hear their side of the story. from there on out everything they do is just some terrible thing, when before you would say it's just them being them. when before you would help them if they had a problem, but now you just gossip about how dumb there troubles are. i just don't get how you could do that to someone you called your best friend at one point. this made me think about how fast we jump to conclusions. you can come to a conclusion way to fast one day that ends up ruining a perfectly good friendship. it just breaks my heart to see things like this happen.

thankyou,

this weekend was really really great. i spent it with the people who i love the most. yes, there were ups and downs but if there weren't any downs it wouldn't make the ups so good. i loved the laughs, the hugs, the time spent with my best friend. if this was my last weekend ever, i would be ok with it because i was with my three favorite people of all the world. i got to go shopping with my anna. i got to watch newsies with anna and brendon. i got to have breakfast with brendon and anna. i got to spend the day with them. i got to hang out and be crazy with molly. i saw how much people care. i got to eat a pie with a really long name with anna. i got breakfast with anna and brendon. i went to church with the family. most of all, i felt loved and safe all weekend. what more can you ask for.
i hate to break it to anyone who think they have the best, best friend in the world because they don't because they don't have my best friend. she is the most loving person in the world. she's funny, crazy, caring, considerate, compassionate, loving, hopeful, and the most amazing person in the entire world. she always knows how to make me laugh, make me feel safe, make me feel loved, and make me feel like nothing bad can possibly happen. i thank God for her everyday. she has taught me how to cackle, cry, hope, look at the bright side, and to trust in God. i love her more than anything and am so blessed to have her as my best friend.