why i am in love with november...

-i've hung out with MOLLLLYYYY wayy too much. we are almost like normal friends right now
-i've listened to the new Taylor Swift CD like 30000 times! it's like being in heaven.
-i've gone to dewars so many times i'm almost sick of it(but not quite)
-i've hung out with my biggest inspiration two whole times!! in the last week
-i'm realizing more and more every day how magnificent God is
-i got a car
-i saw Jennifer last weekend for the first time since July. some people really should move to Bakersfield.
-i proved Steve wrong! well molly did, but it was my argument.
-everyone comes home tomorrow
-everyone comes home tomorrow
-oh yea, and everyone comes home tomorrow!!!
those are some of the big reasons. don't worry, there are many more!

JoyRiden

it's funny how one person, without even trying, can inspire you to go back to God with everything. this is something that i have been struggling with this for a while now. i was completely dry with my relationship. i tried every other way to be happy, and when it didn't work i tried it again. i knew that this wouldn't help but i was afraid to go back to where i needed to be. i feared talking to God after the dry spell. but i talked to this person, and everything about her, you know that she loves God with all her heart. you can see it in her smile, you can see it in the joy she has for everything she does. after watching this incredible person for the short time i did, i knew that i couldn't live without the joy any longer. finally. i talked to God about all my struggles and all my happiness. i told him about my life. i remembered what life was like when i stay close with him. i hope i one day will get to tell her how much she helped me, i hope that i can one day repay her in some way. i just want to someday see her again and say thankyou.

dryy

something is missing. something isn't right. i'm constantly happy but i've lost the joy. i know what it is but it's so hard to change to make it right. i want this joy back but i don't know how hard i am willing to work for it. i want it to just be better. i want to feel His presence in every moment of the day. i want to turn to Him with everything good or bad in my life. i want my every breath to be worshiping Him.
i am so dry. this has been a very dry school year so far. it's 1/4 over and all i'm doing is back tracking in this process. i need to move forward. i want to no longer be dry. i need You to be my complete reason for living. You are my everything. You are my worth. You are my God.

who i am

i sat there wednesday morning looking at my notebook, bible, and red pen. i sat there in a state of confusion. i sat there facing my biggest dream and worst nightmare. i sat there feeling as if i had lost. i just wanted to call it quits. so i went and i wrote down a prayer. i prayed for God to take control because i felt hopeless. i really wanted a sign that everything would be okay, i really wanted the person who inspired this dream. i wanted her there to just make me feel like i would be okay, to bad that i was two hours away from anywhere she would currently be. well to bad that God doesn't believe in impossible, half way through the day she comes walking down the beach to where we were staying. it was just enough. just the miracle i needed. shes the one person that can make me believe that it is possible to not screw this whole thing up. the funny thing is, we didn't even talk about how i was struggling, we just had fun.
now you would think i would take that situation and be okay, but no i make things too complicated for that. that night we went to a youth group called "reality" and it was a prayer night. so during the worship i just laid down my worries and concerns to God. something happened later that night. for the first time in my life i'm satisfied. i know that God has a purpose for everything but for the first time i have hope in that. i am where i am in life for a reason. i am facing this dream/nightmare for a reason. i made an amazing friend because God has a plan. i have the family i have because God has a plan. i am this age for a purpose. i am here right now for a purpose. i am who i am because God is good.

community

so today i was asked to state the biggest things that hit me when it came to community. i thought for a second, it didn't take long because community has changed my life. this is what i came up with for the two things that hit me most:
1) everyone has crap in their lives. it doesn't matter how big or small it really is because to them it sucks. this helped me realize that we are all kind of equal. no one is perfect and no ones life is perfect. we all struggle, though our struggles might not be the same they are all changing us, growing us, and bringing us to our knees. i was thinking about this tonight at the remedy welcome freshman bbq. i was looking at everyone, watching them worship, watching them come to God with their problems because we all suck. i was thinking about how life would be so much better if we were always little becase when we are little our biggest problem is what color we need for our coloring book. then i realized, i'm glad i'm not little anymore. if i were little i wouldn't be the person i am now, wouldn't have the friends i have now, i wouldn't love God like i do now. see, some people might look at their problems and hate every minute of it but i see who i have become through them and what God has done for me through them and i am thankful for my problems.
2)if you open up to people, they will open up to you. this is a big part to building community. if you don't trust people with things that go on in your life how do you expect them to trust you? if you don't have trust how do you have community? and isn't our goal to have community? this made me think about my best friend, what would our friendship be like if we couldn't tell each other things. what if we never opened up to each other, well for one thing we wouldn't be what we are now. then i was thinking, what if i hadn't opened up to laura or steve or delani or anyone. i would be one screwed up person. we aren't meant to keep things bottled in. God gives us people to share community with and to go to when things seem to tough. God is a good God. he gives us the opportunity to have community, so don't waist it.

the week of the bahaha

pretty much the title describes it. i've fallen in love with the phrase bahaha. that phrase, well word, i think, describes this week. starting wednesday i have had the most amazing summer vacation ever. i know my vacation didn't technically start until thursday afternoon but the fun began wednesday. day one of graduations: well i was almost late. it was a disastorous day at school. there had been enough drama the last two weeks to last a life time. my friends who never fight can't stand to be in the same building as each other. best friends turning against each other. just chaos. but when that bell rang on that wednesday a new day started. i went to church for a meeting and found out some super exciting news. i thought that would be the highlight of my day, nothing could top this news. but wait, graduation number one hasn't happened. after a screaming couple co-driving us to graduation, three hours of pointlessness of people giving speeches and walking across a stage, and two games of scrabble on words with friends, i walked out of the BC field, looked slightly left, just to see the person who has been my biggest role model throughout my entire life. i hadn't seen her since early july of the year 2009 and there she was. i shouldn't have been surprised that she was there but i was. i giant smile shot across my face. i ran over and gave her the biggest hug in the world. for two minutes of this 1440 minute day i had no worries.
the next day i had round two of graduations, not as fun as day one but it was still a great day. after the graduation i got to hang out with some friends, joke around and found out some super surprising news that surprisingly didn't surprise me. the next day i hung out with an old friend for the whole day. we swam, we colored, we slept, we ate. it was one fabulous day. now, the last two days have been the two most relaxing days i've had in a long time. no drama, no worries, no cares. it was just been a peaceful weekend. i honestly believe this summer could top any other. at the pace that it's going right now it will definitely top them all.

summer dreams

oh my golly, summer is just around the corner! i cannot wait one more minute for it to start. this summer will be different, this summer will be better. it will have late night parties and early morning workouts. and most importantly it will have God in every part of it. this summer i have a goal, well me and a couple friends. christians were given there name to them. they didn't call themselves that, people called them that. what would it take for someone to be able to look at you and know that you were a child of God. what would it take for someone to call you their most loving friend. what would it take for you to want that? what would you give up for that? well i want that. that is what this summer is about, achieving that goal. and i encourage all to join us.

an open book

it was the funniest thing in the world. last wednesday i had a dream about my teacher. it was a very dramatic dream but when i woke up i thought it was the funniest thing. so the next day i went to this teacher to tell her the dream, just because i thought it was the funniest thing. so i told my teacher the dream and the first thing out of her mouth "leah, you know what the dream is saying right. it's a sign that the people closest to you are going to leave you. it's definitely a sign." and if you know me even the least bit you can figure out why i busted up laughing. i have been told many times that i can be read like an open book, but it just cracked me up that a teacher that i've never really talked to could tell me the summary of my high school career through a dream. she then became my favorite person ever! she totally wins the open book award

A teardrop to end a Debbie downer day

It was good until seventh period, that's when everything started to crumple. My day slowly shattered and I wasn't even connected to her. I just saw how her life touched so many others. She's one heck of a girl. I don't even know her but I'm proud to saw I went to the same school as her. She caused me to think about how important people in my life are. Anyone of them can be gone at any second. Or if God wants they can all be gone in a blink of an eye. I just can't imagine having someone you love so much being there one day and then the next day to be away forever. To never be able to see there beautiful face again. Life is so precious, why do we waist it on things so unimportant. We should be living this life to the fullest and there's only one way to do that.

i'm ready

it was funny, in an ironic way. i've tried to not feel this pain for two years now but when i think i'm over it i start to feel it. it's when something good happens when i feel the hurt in my life. i want him there for me, i want her to be happy for me. it's funny how the two people who i once thought i looked up to the most have been the ones to hurt me the most. it's funny how one person can wreck so many lives. it's funny how i still want that person in my life so badly. it breaks my heart every time i see her doing something stupid, something that does harm to her. i pray with all my heart that she comes back to God. i was her to fall on her names broken. i want her to realize that she is empty because she is without God.
so today i was listening to a song talking about the pain that you will face before the morning. it brought me to tears. so in six days i'm getting baptized and only half my family will be there, only half will talk to me, only half cares what happens to me. i never in my wildest dreams would have thought this is what would break me, but it has and i'm ready to deal with the pain. i'm not going to hide it from myself any longer. so here's my confession, i need my family and it hurts every time that they aren't there. i once had a big sister who i thought would protect me against the world but now scares me more than anything else. i was once a daddy's girl but now i don't even know what he is to me. that is why it is so hard to admit that i'm hurt. they were my heros. one minute my life was perfect, and next thing i know i don't know what just happened. this is why i'm afraid to get hurt, this is why i get so worked up by the littlest thing that goes wrong, this is why i'm afraid to lose the ones i love, this is why i can't argue with you. but i'm ready to deal with my pain.

mexico

oh my oh my oh my! thinking about that trip puts chills down my back, in a good way. when i got there i hoped for two things: that i would find God and to put more on the table. i rode up there scared. i was afraid i would dwell on the memories from the previous year, that i would lose sight of the goal, that i wouldn't find what i was looking for. the first night we were challenged, to sell out and to bring it home. that's what i wanted to do, well at least the sell out part. so the first day of building, that's what i did. i sold out, i tried my hardest. but it was at the end of the day when we were about to go back to the hotel that made me smile. Gabriella came up to me and we talked a little bit. i tried to teach her how to count to five. we didn't get very far before we had to leave. the next day this little angel brightened my day every time i saw her smile. she had hope in her eyes and smile. that night is when i was broken. i told molly and laura something that i didn't even want to admit to myself. i didn't want it to be true. it was the best thing that could have happened. the next night was what really hit me. everything that had been missing was right in front of me. this night i earned a new friend that i will keep forever. i realize that God will never leave me. he is an awesome God. on the final day i spent most of the day hanging out with Gabriella. she was the most amazing thing in the world. she had nothing but could give the world. then when we were getting ready to leave she ran up to me in tears not wanting to leave. that was when i lost it. i don't know how i could love someone so much that i can hardly communicate with. but it was cute in a way, that was when she finally was able to count all the way to five by herself. i know God is looking out for her when i am here in bakersfield. he has his hand on her all the time. even if i don't ever see her again in this lifetime i will see her in heaven and that gives me hope. every time i look at a perfect blue sky i think of her and the joy in her. this little girl blessed me so much.

goodbye reality

on friday night, i layed in my bed and realized that the past two weeks i hadn't been living in reality. i was living in a fantasy world, a world worth welcoming, a world that wouldn't last too long. my friends were home, they were there with me day after day. i went to church and saw a countless number of old friends that i thought i would never see on a friday night again. i hung out with some friends like old times. got my orange juice:). i headed out to go on the most amazing trip of my life. this trip changed me. i learned how amazing God's timing is. i was broken night after night. i left part of my heart down there. my monkey sphere went down to 498. i came back and i was hit again from memories from the past. i had dinner with the most amazing family in the entire world. i hung out and went to the movies with my two favorite people in the world. that was when i realized i wasn't in reality. reality isn't this perfect. i don't get to be with the most amazing people in the world like that. that's just not how life works. the last two weeks were on real. i lost myself, i found myself, i trusted in God, and believed in hope. maybe, just maybe my world can be a fantasy every once in a while. i like this fantasy. i love life.

i don't understand...

it's spinning. spinning so fast i'm dizzy. i can't see a thing. it just happened so fast. too fast. a good cry won't fix it. a tornado just whipped through us breaking everything good we had. it pushed us into a hundred different directions. and when it's all over all we could do is shrug to our once was friend and go on like we never were. it makes me sad. it makes me cry. and the worst part is that i can't do a thing.
so, i'm trying to figure out what on earth just happened. there was so much hurt, so many tears, so much pain, so much confusion. so many people got their hearts broken today. some, their hearts were already cracked. some, they were trying to play on a heart that was already crushed. some had perfectly good hearts. tomorrow will be a completely different day than today was. i don't know if one of was will walk away today with dry eyes. we lost friends we lost relationships we lost normal. our world was thrashed today. all we can do is was girl movies to take away our pain. at the end of the day the only thing i know is that God is good and my friends are still my friends.

one big fat lesson

so we are going to start my weekend thursday night and i can tell you the bizareness of, what i thought was going to be, a boring weekend. thursday night i went to starbucks with a good friend. life lesson, don't go to coffee with someone that makes you think harder than any teacher does and expect to sleep that night. well we talked about what a true friend looks like and how one should treat you. pretty much she layed down the law of friends, she told me who my one and only true friend is and that i need to learn when to weave the rest out. she said that i need to learn how to deal with conflict and that i need to cry sometimes. oh golly, i hate crying!
on friday i had dinner with my sister, mom and brother. it was a nice dinner, then we watched stick it and the weirdest thing happened. haley was talking to her coach about why she bailed out at worlds and i started crying. don't ask why. i have no idea! well then i went to a friends how and hung out a bit, well a few hours. we played an epic game of taboo, like always. i think that has become my favorite game ever. one day i'll be good at it. okay maybe not.
saturday i realized why i hate conflict. i tried to solve a problem with my best friend. as she made it sound, she did stuff for me that she thought i needed, that i was pretty much more negative that she had ever met, and that i was never her best friend. i cried myself to sleep that night. but the next morning i was okay. i realized that she was still my best friend and that she always will be. even if i mean nothing to her. that morning, i woke up with a peace. a peace that only God can give me. i wasn't mad, angry, upset. slightly hurt but i was peaceful.
then the day started. i realized how much i appreciated the first friend i talked about. she is so stubborn it's amazing. she's so funny i can't stop laughing. she is the most honest person i have ever met. and she has a heart bigger than i thought was possible. she cares for everyone she talks to and she is amazing! then i talked to my other half. she of course took on the anger i couldn't figure out how to have. we sat and talked about what had happened already this weekend. she was just incredible like she always is. but i still needed to think about everything that went on this weekend. late that night i went back to the first friend once again and the funniest thing happened. she told me how i'm the opposite of negative. that i don't take time to find the negative in a situation.
after that i sat and thought about what just happened in the last 85 hours of my life. this weekend was just one big fat lesson. well many lessons. i learned that i need to deal with conflict if i want to make things better because if you don't deal with them now they could get worse. i learned that you can't depend on one person for how your day turns out. i learned that everyone needs a good cry every once in a while. and i learned who my friends are. and i have the most amazing friends in the world. and most importantly i was reminded of how good God is.

every part of me

i have this friend. she is the most amazing person in the world. you know what, i lied. she's not just a friend. she is my best friend. my other half. if i were lilly she would be my miley. she makes everything amazing. she is the one person i can go to for everything. she can go to me. we make the hard decisions together. when she makes a promise she keeps it. i trust her when i find myself not able to trust anyone else in the world. she won't hurt be. she won't break my heart. our circumstances might change but our friendship never will. i love her to death. i know some of you might think it's impossible to keep a friendship the same at a long distance but for us no distance will keep our friendship from being ours. she is my saving grace and i love her more than anyone in this world.

what i want?

i don't know what i want any more. you say you love me but there are so many ways that show me that you don't. to you, i'm a convenience, someone you go to when you can't find anyone else. i know that's not how you see it, but it's how i feel. you treat our friendship as a game. i tried my hardest to blind myself from all of them but i can't do it anymore. this is how i feel. i know you'll think i'm selfish, maybe i am but this is how i feel. but at the end of the day i still want to be your friend. i will still do anything for you, you would do anything for me, or you used to. you have done so much for me, so much to help me find you i am today. that is what clouds my mind when you hurt me. you were always there for me. but life changes. people change. we changed. but after all is said and done i need you as a friend. i try to convince myself otherwise. i try to go other people for what i would go to you for but it's not the same. they don't understand me like you do. this game you play is life and i can't get through it without you. you promised i wouldn't have to. i don't believe in promises anymore. i just want it to go back to normal. i miss you, with all my heart. do i keep trying or just give up? that's the thought i struggle with all the time. then i remember one very important quote: when you feel like giving up, remember why you held on in the first place. that is what brings me back all the time. you will never be a person i'll be okay with losing as a friend. you have done so much for me. i love you with all my heart. at one point i didn't know how terrible my life would be without you. you are an amazing person. don't forget that. you have changed my life so much, every part in a good way. you got me through it all, when no one else could. so, treat me however you want. i have gotten through getting treated worse than you could ever treat me. but promise me one thing. promise me you'll always love me. i can get through anything knowing that. i love you.

quote book

connected by a quote book and five bracelets. five different people. five different stories. a million different thoughts. one dream.
when i thought i could never trust anyone like i once trusted my family, God brought four amazing friends to me. they are so amazing. we laugh. we cry. we share the same feelings. you can't get to one of us without the other four's approval. we cheer for each other during everything great. we struggle with each other with every hardships. you break one of our hearts and you broke all of our hearts. we don't use each other. we don't treat each other like old news. we are there and strong. i have friends that treat me well, they go to me for advice as do i to them. we are five people who you would never guess were friends but we are connected by a quote book and five bracelets. five different people. five different stories. a million thoughts. one dream.

gotta love it

gotta love friends.
gotta love life.
gotta love God
gotta love circumstances.
gotta love family.
gotta love jokes.
gotta love music.
you just gotta love it.
this life we are in is just a moment.
it will pass. this is just our temperary
home and then we will forever be in
perfection and it will all be okay.
so love the opportunities you are in
because they are just are ways for us
to show the love of God

Dear friend,

i was once told that writing is the greatest way of getting your feelings out. i write this here because i'm not ready for you to see this but i need to get it out. i don't mean this to be bitter but it's what i feel and i believe that it needs to come out once and for all. you have hurt me way to much. i love you so i cover it up with excuse after excuse but you have hurt me bad. you think that you can thrash my life to please your own self and say sorry so it will be okay. it's not. i want to be around you. i want to love you. i want it to be how it was. it never will be though. it might get better but there will always be that wall between us. there are days i want to just fall into your arms and have you say it was a mistake and you take it all back and that you will always be there for me, from now on. there are days that i want nothing to do with you, i see how you have hurt me and everyone around me and that is enough for me to want nothing to do with you. but i know i don't want nothing to do with you, it's just weird now. i want it to not be weird. i want it to be normal. i want us to have a normal relationship. it's only a dream though. you will never be truly sorry about what you have done so i think i will always have anger towards you. but maybe, with God, it will change.

orange juice

you think that you life is going well when all of a sudden it changes in a blink of an eye and you cant stop it. the other day my mom told me that i had lost the spark that i used to have. she said how i'm no longer the girl full of joy that was always happy. she said i was defensive and saw the negative in the night. we both knew why. i talked to my best friend and she could point out why i wasn't happy but no one can do a thing about it. all anyone can say is that's what happens when you grow up: this change and people move. that speaks to me that the spark that was there will never be there again so i better go look for a new one. it's not what i want but it's what is truth. no room for slant truth in this situation. last year should have been the worst year of my life but it wasn't. i would live it over again in a heart beat. i knew who my friends were and i knew they would be there for me under any circumstance but now i don't know. i don't know anything. no, i know two things. i know that my life is changing and i'm growing up and there is nothing i can do to stop it and i know that God is the only one that truly is there for me under any circumstance. i think that alone can bring back the spark that was once there. but it will be a different spark but it will be there:)

Dear John,

so i read this book and it totally changed my view of things, my view of love. i know it was just a stupid book and i know people say books like this warp with girls brains and isn't good, but it shows that love is real. it most definitely isn't perfect and isn't easy but it can be real. for the first time in my life i think that love can last forever. but with one mistake you can lose the one you love forever. you don't have to know someone your whole life to know that you love them, but it might take a lifetime to know how to love them. this book had one idea, what does love really mean. love means that you care for another person's happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the choices you face might be.