i'm ready

it was funny, in an ironic way. i've tried to not feel this pain for two years now but when i think i'm over it i start to feel it. it's when something good happens when i feel the hurt in my life. i want him there for me, i want her to be happy for me. it's funny how the two people who i once thought i looked up to the most have been the ones to hurt me the most. it's funny how one person can wreck so many lives. it's funny how i still want that person in my life so badly. it breaks my heart every time i see her doing something stupid, something that does harm to her. i pray with all my heart that she comes back to God. i was her to fall on her names broken. i want her to realize that she is empty because she is without God.
so today i was listening to a song talking about the pain that you will face before the morning. it brought me to tears. so in six days i'm getting baptized and only half my family will be there, only half will talk to me, only half cares what happens to me. i never in my wildest dreams would have thought this is what would break me, but it has and i'm ready to deal with the pain. i'm not going to hide it from myself any longer. so here's my confession, i need my family and it hurts every time that they aren't there. i once had a big sister who i thought would protect me against the world but now scares me more than anything else. i was once a daddy's girl but now i don't even know what he is to me. that is why it is so hard to admit that i'm hurt. they were my heros. one minute my life was perfect, and next thing i know i don't know what just happened. this is why i'm afraid to get hurt, this is why i get so worked up by the littlest thing that goes wrong, this is why i'm afraid to lose the ones i love, this is why i can't argue with you. but i'm ready to deal with my pain.

mexico

oh my oh my oh my! thinking about that trip puts chills down my back, in a good way. when i got there i hoped for two things: that i would find God and to put more on the table. i rode up there scared. i was afraid i would dwell on the memories from the previous year, that i would lose sight of the goal, that i wouldn't find what i was looking for. the first night we were challenged, to sell out and to bring it home. that's what i wanted to do, well at least the sell out part. so the first day of building, that's what i did. i sold out, i tried my hardest. but it was at the end of the day when we were about to go back to the hotel that made me smile. Gabriella came up to me and we talked a little bit. i tried to teach her how to count to five. we didn't get very far before we had to leave. the next day this little angel brightened my day every time i saw her smile. she had hope in her eyes and smile. that night is when i was broken. i told molly and laura something that i didn't even want to admit to myself. i didn't want it to be true. it was the best thing that could have happened. the next night was what really hit me. everything that had been missing was right in front of me. this night i earned a new friend that i will keep forever. i realize that God will never leave me. he is an awesome God. on the final day i spent most of the day hanging out with Gabriella. she was the most amazing thing in the world. she had nothing but could give the world. then when we were getting ready to leave she ran up to me in tears not wanting to leave. that was when i lost it. i don't know how i could love someone so much that i can hardly communicate with. but it was cute in a way, that was when she finally was able to count all the way to five by herself. i know God is looking out for her when i am here in bakersfield. he has his hand on her all the time. even if i don't ever see her again in this lifetime i will see her in heaven and that gives me hope. every time i look at a perfect blue sky i think of her and the joy in her. this little girl blessed me so much.

goodbye reality

on friday night, i layed in my bed and realized that the past two weeks i hadn't been living in reality. i was living in a fantasy world, a world worth welcoming, a world that wouldn't last too long. my friends were home, they were there with me day after day. i went to church and saw a countless number of old friends that i thought i would never see on a friday night again. i hung out with some friends like old times. got my orange juice:). i headed out to go on the most amazing trip of my life. this trip changed me. i learned how amazing God's timing is. i was broken night after night. i left part of my heart down there. my monkey sphere went down to 498. i came back and i was hit again from memories from the past. i had dinner with the most amazing family in the entire world. i hung out and went to the movies with my two favorite people in the world. that was when i realized i wasn't in reality. reality isn't this perfect. i don't get to be with the most amazing people in the world like that. that's just not how life works. the last two weeks were on real. i lost myself, i found myself, i trusted in God, and believed in hope. maybe, just maybe my world can be a fantasy every once in a while. i like this fantasy. i love life.