sleeping in rain

last night i slowly walked into my room know i wasn't going to be able to sleep because i had way to much on my mind. just sitting there in silence came the rain. a storm waiting to happen. so i decided to let another storm rain down upon me. a conversation with a friend i needed to have. i had been contemplating having it. i knew it needed to happen but i didn't want it to because i didn't want to put out my mistakes and my downfalls. as the conversation progressed the rain came down harder and harder. i'm not even sure if anything got solved or if we just let our angers rain down and be put in front of us. i cried my heart out. i cried harder than i've cried in a long time. the rain stopped and i'm satisfied. as the conversation stopped so did the rain outside.

dreams

i was in a conversation with someone the other day and they asked me why i don't dream like i used to. i didn't really have an answer at the time, well i didn't have the root answer at the time. i think the reason i haven't been dreaming big is because every dream i have gets shot down like nothing. people call it ridiculous and tell me right then and there that it will never happen. even if i don't expect them to come true i want to dream. i want to have the hope that the impossible will happen. i don't know if my lack of dreams is me just being realistic or the effect of being shut down so many times. maybe i just don't have the need to dream big. maybe i don't know. i want to dream i just can't. i find the irrationalness of the dream and shoot it down before it ever has a chance. i just, i don't know. i have one dream i won't lose hope on though. it's probably the craziest dream of all. it won't be crushed. i won't let it. i won't lose hope of this dream, not until the day i die. this dream will live on forever.

lucky 13

it's funny to think that at age sixteen i start to think i'm on top of the world, or well i used to think i was on top of the world. but in this position who wouldn't. i had the best of friends, i was on top of the tennis team, i could get by without trying, i had the perfect community, i had every reason to feel on top of the world. the funny part is at age sixteen you are still a baby. you haven't seen the world, how can you be on top of it? i can be swallowed by the world, i am swallowed by the world. i'm just a simple person in bakersfield, california. i am just one person. but with God i can be one voice and a voice can turn into a hundred voices and with the right words being that voice you can make an army. and an army led by God is unstoppable.

just be...

last night at church i heard four people talk about their accountability group. they have this phrase, just be, which they all talked about. 'just be' is the concept of how we need to get out of the way and let God take over. we need to not try to be too much or too little, we need to just be. be who God wants us to be. we need to just be humble. just be patient. just be loving. just be obedient. just be encouraging. just be willing. the four guys gave their testimonies about their "just be..." and afterwards they encouraged us to find our own "just be..." i have been thinking about my "just be" today and i think it would have to be ''just be willing." i look at the day and see all these opportunities that i have to share God's word and i either get scared or find some other reason to not share. God sits there giving me opportunity after opportunity and i need to just be willing to listen and do whatever it takes to share his word his love with the world.