this image

 so i have two images in my head. i absolutely love both images. i both images are important to me. i want both to last forever but i know neither will.

the first image is of this person serving a tennis ball which they know will be an ace to win the biggest tournament of the year. at the cameras view of the picture you see this girl who wants the win more than anything in the world. the view of the camera shows heart, passion, love, eagerness, and perseverance to win. at the view of the person you see the ball and the gorgeous sky above. nothing else. the person has no thoughts going through their head while the two images are being seen. in this second time is stopped, life stands still. the second before, this the person had a million thoughts in their head: about what they wanted to do with the ball, where their opponent can hit the ball, even what happened in the last point. in the second after this frozen picture the person will be thinking about their next move will be, where will need to be, and if they should come into the shot. but in the second where the person only sees the ball and the sky they are free, it's the best part of the match.

the second image is of a group of friends laughing after being reminded of a memory that they all shared. they have no worries of what is to come when they leave the place they are at. no worries of the day that they just had. they only know about the memory and the smiles of each other as the laugh about it. these friends all love each other and share many memories together. they live for that moment of laughter, of freedom, of knowledge that they will be there for each other until the end. this moment of laughter will last less than a minute but it will leave an impression on at least one of the friends forever. within thirty seconds they will move on to a new subject but during that time they were all free; free from worries, free from fear, and free from time.

these two images mean the world to me. i don't want to let them go, ever. 

kids these days...

today while i was watching a tennis match on tv this guy got in trouble because he wouldn't throw the ball back to the players. a thought went through my head, "why didn't he just hide it? no one would know. oh wait, someone would tattle on him." that got me thinking, my mind set at first was that no one would say anything because at school i would so be able to get away with something like that. everyone always bags on "kids these days." i hear all the time how  "kids these days" have no respect, we rot our brains with electronics, we have absolutely no consideration of anything around us. i have even been told that "kids these days" are going to ruin america because we are just that terrible. i don't know if this is just adults way to try to get us to work harder, to try to be better people but there is something really big that we have that i don't see in adults. "kids these days" have loyalty. ''kids these days'' will stick together no matter what. for one example, if somebody's phone goes off in class the entire class will cover it up so that whoever phone it was couldn't get it taken away. or if somebody did more on their homework than was assigned for whatever reason, everyone will try to get the teacher to give that person extra credit. we may be lazy, we may not care what people think but we will help each other out.

i'm sorry...

so pretty much i screwed up. i tend to screw up a lot but i can't get over this one. i don't know how long it will take me to get over this one. i'm sorry, i know i messed up and i wish i could change it. i didn't consider it to be gossip, i was just trying to get my anger out. i didn't mean for it to explode. i didn't mean to hurt anyone. i guess that's just what i do. i've never felt so low and so much like a mistake in my life. i just want everything to be ok, i am soo sorry. i don't know what i can do to make it better. tell me what i can do to make it better and i will. the only thing is i don't know if there is anything i can do. 

if i could do anything in the world it would be to go to the brooklyn bridge. it has always been a symbol of freedom to me. it now has two symbols, two meanings now. two complete opposite meanings. it's my lighthouse and my escape. 

it's funny, people tell you to change but no matter if you change or not if you are labeled once you will forever be labeled with that. for example, i used to hit myself when i played tennis. people who never saw me do that will still label me as a masochist because i USED TO do that. it never goes through my head to slap my thigh or hit my calf, but yet people are still convinced i that i do. so, even if i never gossip again in my life i will always be known as a gossip. i try to make excuses to why it's not that bad but it is. it is very hurtful. i am going to try my hardest to never gossip again. yes, i know every once in a while i might it caught in it but i'm done. i never want to do it again. i know you probably don't believe me but it's true. you most likely will never trust me again and i know that but i am going to try and change that.

mehh! yeah that's right

i have so many thoughts in my head that just won't come out. most of them good thoughts. i can't really explain it though. i hate how i'm suppose to set an example on the tennis team, i am the last person in the world who should set an example, especially on the tennis court. my coach expects me to be perfect and have everything together but i totally do not. as soon as he realizes that we will get along a lot better. 

either i'm to loud or i'm too quiet and somethings wrong. how do you expect people to change if you think somethings wrong when they do? this i don't understand. i will probably never understand. goodness, life cracks me up. like honestly do that math, i get told all the time i need to learn to how to be quiet but whenever i am i get accused of being upset or something along that lines. hey, you can't please people. 

so i was thinking, my whole life i had this image of this perfect life. it was very vague. i would have giant holidays with everyone in my family there. for christmas i would have a snowy day and all my relatives would be in one place snuggled in warm blankets and drink hot chocolate with a fireplace. for thanksgiving we could have a giant bbq and have a family football game where everyone in the family would play. we would end the night with everyone watching a movie. for fourth of july i have always wanted to have a giant picnic. getting the entire town involved. we would have games and hotdogs and everyone would just celebrate everything that we have because we live in a free country that was  fought for. those are just some of the holiday ideas i have always had. they won't ever happen, but that's why it's perfect. you can only dream about perfection.

i love my life, i love my friends, i love my family.