i'm sorry...

so pretty much i screwed up. i tend to screw up a lot but i can't get over this one. i don't know how long it will take me to get over this one. i'm sorry, i know i messed up and i wish i could change it. i didn't consider it to be gossip, i was just trying to get my anger out. i didn't mean for it to explode. i didn't mean to hurt anyone. i guess that's just what i do. i've never felt so low and so much like a mistake in my life. i just want everything to be ok, i am soo sorry. i don't know what i can do to make it better. tell me what i can do to make it better and i will. the only thing is i don't know if there is anything i can do. 

if i could do anything in the world it would be to go to the brooklyn bridge. it has always been a symbol of freedom to me. it now has two symbols, two meanings now. two complete opposite meanings. it's my lighthouse and my escape. 

it's funny, people tell you to change but no matter if you change or not if you are labeled once you will forever be labeled with that. for example, i used to hit myself when i played tennis. people who never saw me do that will still label me as a masochist because i USED TO do that. it never goes through my head to slap my thigh or hit my calf, but yet people are still convinced i that i do. so, even if i never gossip again in my life i will always be known as a gossip. i try to make excuses to why it's not that bad but it is. it is very hurtful. i am going to try my hardest to never gossip again. yes, i know every once in a while i might it caught in it but i'm done. i never want to do it again. i know you probably don't believe me but it's true. you most likely will never trust me again and i know that but i am going to try and change that.