i'm ready

it was funny, in an ironic way. i've tried to not feel this pain for two years now but when i think i'm over it i start to feel it. it's when something good happens when i feel the hurt in my life. i want him there for me, i want her to be happy for me. it's funny how the two people who i once thought i looked up to the most have been the ones to hurt me the most. it's funny how one person can wreck so many lives. it's funny how i still want that person in my life so badly. it breaks my heart every time i see her doing something stupid, something that does harm to her. i pray with all my heart that she comes back to God. i was her to fall on her names broken. i want her to realize that she is empty because she is without God.
so today i was listening to a song talking about the pain that you will face before the morning. it brought me to tears. so in six days i'm getting baptized and only half my family will be there, only half will talk to me, only half cares what happens to me. i never in my wildest dreams would have thought this is what would break me, but it has and i'm ready to deal with the pain. i'm not going to hide it from myself any longer. so here's my confession, i need my family and it hurts every time that they aren't there. i once had a big sister who i thought would protect me against the world but now scares me more than anything else. i was once a daddy's girl but now i don't even know what he is to me. that is why it is so hard to admit that i'm hurt. they were my heros. one minute my life was perfect, and next thing i know i don't know what just happened. this is why i'm afraid to get hurt, this is why i get so worked up by the littlest thing that goes wrong, this is why i'm afraid to lose the ones i love, this is why i can't argue with you. but i'm ready to deal with my pain.