what i want?

i don't know what i want any more. you say you love me but there are so many ways that show me that you don't. to you, i'm a convenience, someone you go to when you can't find anyone else. i know that's not how you see it, but it's how i feel. you treat our friendship as a game. i tried my hardest to blind myself from all of them but i can't do it anymore. this is how i feel. i know you'll think i'm selfish, maybe i am but this is how i feel. but at the end of the day i still want to be your friend. i will still do anything for you, you would do anything for me, or you used to. you have done so much for me, so much to help me find you i am today. that is what clouds my mind when you hurt me. you were always there for me. but life changes. people change. we changed. but after all is said and done i need you as a friend. i try to convince myself otherwise. i try to go other people for what i would go to you for but it's not the same. they don't understand me like you do. this game you play is life and i can't get through it without you. you promised i wouldn't have to. i don't believe in promises anymore. i just want it to go back to normal. i miss you, with all my heart. do i keep trying or just give up? that's the thought i struggle with all the time. then i remember one very important quote: when you feel like giving up, remember why you held on in the first place. that is what brings me back all the time. you will never be a person i'll be okay with losing as a friend. you have done so much for me. i love you with all my heart. at one point i didn't know how terrible my life would be without you. you are an amazing person. don't forget that. you have changed my life so much, every part in a good way. you got me through it all, when no one else could. so, treat me however you want. i have gotten through getting treated worse than you could ever treat me. but promise me one thing. promise me you'll always love me. i can get through anything knowing that. i love you.