who i am

i sat there wednesday morning looking at my notebook, bible, and red pen. i sat there in a state of confusion. i sat there facing my biggest dream and worst nightmare. i sat there feeling as if i had lost. i just wanted to call it quits. so i went and i wrote down a prayer. i prayed for God to take control because i felt hopeless. i really wanted a sign that everything would be okay, i really wanted the person who inspired this dream. i wanted her there to just make me feel like i would be okay, to bad that i was two hours away from anywhere she would currently be. well to bad that God doesn't believe in impossible, half way through the day she comes walking down the beach to where we were staying. it was just enough. just the miracle i needed. shes the one person that can make me believe that it is possible to not screw this whole thing up. the funny thing is, we didn't even talk about how i was struggling, we just had fun.
now you would think i would take that situation and be okay, but no i make things too complicated for that. that night we went to a youth group called "reality" and it was a prayer night. so during the worship i just laid down my worries and concerns to God. something happened later that night. for the first time in my life i'm satisfied. i know that God has a purpose for everything but for the first time i have hope in that. i am where i am in life for a reason. i am facing this dream/nightmare for a reason. i made an amazing friend because God has a plan. i have the family i have because God has a plan. i am this age for a purpose. i am here right now for a purpose. i am who i am because God is good.

community

so today i was asked to state the biggest things that hit me when it came to community. i thought for a second, it didn't take long because community has changed my life. this is what i came up with for the two things that hit me most:
1) everyone has crap in their lives. it doesn't matter how big or small it really is because to them it sucks. this helped me realize that we are all kind of equal. no one is perfect and no ones life is perfect. we all struggle, though our struggles might not be the same they are all changing us, growing us, and bringing us to our knees. i was thinking about this tonight at the remedy welcome freshman bbq. i was looking at everyone, watching them worship, watching them come to God with their problems because we all suck. i was thinking about how life would be so much better if we were always little becase when we are little our biggest problem is what color we need for our coloring book. then i realized, i'm glad i'm not little anymore. if i were little i wouldn't be the person i am now, wouldn't have the friends i have now, i wouldn't love God like i do now. see, some people might look at their problems and hate every minute of it but i see who i have become through them and what God has done for me through them and i am thankful for my problems.
2)if you open up to people, they will open up to you. this is a big part to building community. if you don't trust people with things that go on in your life how do you expect them to trust you? if you don't have trust how do you have community? and isn't our goal to have community? this made me think about my best friend, what would our friendship be like if we couldn't tell each other things. what if we never opened up to each other, well for one thing we wouldn't be what we are now. then i was thinking, what if i hadn't opened up to laura or steve or delani or anyone. i would be one screwed up person. we aren't meant to keep things bottled in. God gives us people to share community with and to go to when things seem to tough. God is a good God. he gives us the opportunity to have community, so don't waist it.

the week of the bahaha

pretty much the title describes it. i've fallen in love with the phrase bahaha. that phrase, well word, i think, describes this week. starting wednesday i have had the most amazing summer vacation ever. i know my vacation didn't technically start until thursday afternoon but the fun began wednesday. day one of graduations: well i was almost late. it was a disastorous day at school. there had been enough drama the last two weeks to last a life time. my friends who never fight can't stand to be in the same building as each other. best friends turning against each other. just chaos. but when that bell rang on that wednesday a new day started. i went to church for a meeting and found out some super exciting news. i thought that would be the highlight of my day, nothing could top this news. but wait, graduation number one hasn't happened. after a screaming couple co-driving us to graduation, three hours of pointlessness of people giving speeches and walking across a stage, and two games of scrabble on words with friends, i walked out of the BC field, looked slightly left, just to see the person who has been my biggest role model throughout my entire life. i hadn't seen her since early july of the year 2009 and there she was. i shouldn't have been surprised that she was there but i was. i giant smile shot across my face. i ran over and gave her the biggest hug in the world. for two minutes of this 1440 minute day i had no worries.
the next day i had round two of graduations, not as fun as day one but it was still a great day. after the graduation i got to hang out with some friends, joke around and found out some super surprising news that surprisingly didn't surprise me. the next day i hung out with an old friend for the whole day. we swam, we colored, we slept, we ate. it was one fabulous day. now, the last two days have been the two most relaxing days i've had in a long time. no drama, no worries, no cares. it was just been a peaceful weekend. i honestly believe this summer could top any other. at the pace that it's going right now it will definitely top them all.

summer dreams

oh my golly, summer is just around the corner! i cannot wait one more minute for it to start. this summer will be different, this summer will be better. it will have late night parties and early morning workouts. and most importantly it will have God in every part of it. this summer i have a goal, well me and a couple friends. christians were given there name to them. they didn't call themselves that, people called them that. what would it take for someone to be able to look at you and know that you were a child of God. what would it take for someone to call you their most loving friend. what would it take for you to want that? what would you give up for that? well i want that. that is what this summer is about, achieving that goal. and i encourage all to join us.

an open book

it was the funniest thing in the world. last wednesday i had a dream about my teacher. it was a very dramatic dream but when i woke up i thought it was the funniest thing. so the next day i went to this teacher to tell her the dream, just because i thought it was the funniest thing. so i told my teacher the dream and the first thing out of her mouth "leah, you know what the dream is saying right. it's a sign that the people closest to you are going to leave you. it's definitely a sign." and if you know me even the least bit you can figure out why i busted up laughing. i have been told many times that i can be read like an open book, but it just cracked me up that a teacher that i've never really talked to could tell me the summary of my high school career through a dream. she then became my favorite person ever! she totally wins the open book award

A teardrop to end a Debbie downer day

It was good until seventh period, that's when everything started to crumple. My day slowly shattered and I wasn't even connected to her. I just saw how her life touched so many others. She's one heck of a girl. I don't even know her but I'm proud to saw I went to the same school as her. She caused me to think about how important people in my life are. Anyone of them can be gone at any second. Or if God wants they can all be gone in a blink of an eye. I just can't imagine having someone you love so much being there one day and then the next day to be away forever. To never be able to see there beautiful face again. Life is so precious, why do we waist it on things so unimportant. We should be living this life to the fullest and there's only one way to do that.

i'm ready

it was funny, in an ironic way. i've tried to not feel this pain for two years now but when i think i'm over it i start to feel it. it's when something good happens when i feel the hurt in my life. i want him there for me, i want her to be happy for me. it's funny how the two people who i once thought i looked up to the most have been the ones to hurt me the most. it's funny how one person can wreck so many lives. it's funny how i still want that person in my life so badly. it breaks my heart every time i see her doing something stupid, something that does harm to her. i pray with all my heart that she comes back to God. i was her to fall on her names broken. i want her to realize that she is empty because she is without God.
so today i was listening to a song talking about the pain that you will face before the morning. it brought me to tears. so in six days i'm getting baptized and only half my family will be there, only half will talk to me, only half cares what happens to me. i never in my wildest dreams would have thought this is what would break me, but it has and i'm ready to deal with the pain. i'm not going to hide it from myself any longer. so here's my confession, i need my family and it hurts every time that they aren't there. i once had a big sister who i thought would protect me against the world but now scares me more than anything else. i was once a daddy's girl but now i don't even know what he is to me. that is why it is so hard to admit that i'm hurt. they were my heros. one minute my life was perfect, and next thing i know i don't know what just happened. this is why i'm afraid to get hurt, this is why i get so worked up by the littlest thing that goes wrong, this is why i'm afraid to lose the ones i love, this is why i can't argue with you. but i'm ready to deal with my pain.