i'm ready

it was funny, in an ironic way. i've tried to not feel this pain for two years now but when i think i'm over it i start to feel it. it's when something good happens when i feel the hurt in my life. i want him there for me, i want her to be happy for me. it's funny how the two people who i once thought i looked up to the most have been the ones to hurt me the most. it's funny how one person can wreck so many lives. it's funny how i still want that person in my life so badly. it breaks my heart every time i see her doing something stupid, something that does harm to her. i pray with all my heart that she comes back to God. i was her to fall on her names broken. i want her to realize that she is empty because she is without God.
so today i was listening to a song talking about the pain that you will face before the morning. it brought me to tears. so in six days i'm getting baptized and only half my family will be there, only half will talk to me, only half cares what happens to me. i never in my wildest dreams would have thought this is what would break me, but it has and i'm ready to deal with the pain. i'm not going to hide it from myself any longer. so here's my confession, i need my family and it hurts every time that they aren't there. i once had a big sister who i thought would protect me against the world but now scares me more than anything else. i was once a daddy's girl but now i don't even know what he is to me. that is why it is so hard to admit that i'm hurt. they were my heros. one minute my life was perfect, and next thing i know i don't know what just happened. this is why i'm afraid to get hurt, this is why i get so worked up by the littlest thing that goes wrong, this is why i'm afraid to lose the ones i love, this is why i can't argue with you. but i'm ready to deal with my pain.

mexico

oh my oh my oh my! thinking about that trip puts chills down my back, in a good way. when i got there i hoped for two things: that i would find God and to put more on the table. i rode up there scared. i was afraid i would dwell on the memories from the previous year, that i would lose sight of the goal, that i wouldn't find what i was looking for. the first night we were challenged, to sell out and to bring it home. that's what i wanted to do, well at least the sell out part. so the first day of building, that's what i did. i sold out, i tried my hardest. but it was at the end of the day when we were about to go back to the hotel that made me smile. Gabriella came up to me and we talked a little bit. i tried to teach her how to count to five. we didn't get very far before we had to leave. the next day this little angel brightened my day every time i saw her smile. she had hope in her eyes and smile. that night is when i was broken. i told molly and laura something that i didn't even want to admit to myself. i didn't want it to be true. it was the best thing that could have happened. the next night was what really hit me. everything that had been missing was right in front of me. this night i earned a new friend that i will keep forever. i realize that God will never leave me. he is an awesome God. on the final day i spent most of the day hanging out with Gabriella. she was the most amazing thing in the world. she had nothing but could give the world. then when we were getting ready to leave she ran up to me in tears not wanting to leave. that was when i lost it. i don't know how i could love someone so much that i can hardly communicate with. but it was cute in a way, that was when she finally was able to count all the way to five by herself. i know God is looking out for her when i am here in bakersfield. he has his hand on her all the time. even if i don't ever see her again in this lifetime i will see her in heaven and that gives me hope. every time i look at a perfect blue sky i think of her and the joy in her. this little girl blessed me so much.

goodbye reality

on friday night, i layed in my bed and realized that the past two weeks i hadn't been living in reality. i was living in a fantasy world, a world worth welcoming, a world that wouldn't last too long. my friends were home, they were there with me day after day. i went to church and saw a countless number of old friends that i thought i would never see on a friday night again. i hung out with some friends like old times. got my orange juice:). i headed out to go on the most amazing trip of my life. this trip changed me. i learned how amazing God's timing is. i was broken night after night. i left part of my heart down there. my monkey sphere went down to 498. i came back and i was hit again from memories from the past. i had dinner with the most amazing family in the entire world. i hung out and went to the movies with my two favorite people in the world. that was when i realized i wasn't in reality. reality isn't this perfect. i don't get to be with the most amazing people in the world like that. that's just not how life works. the last two weeks were on real. i lost myself, i found myself, i trusted in God, and believed in hope. maybe, just maybe my world can be a fantasy every once in a while. i like this fantasy. i love life.

i don't understand...

it's spinning. spinning so fast i'm dizzy. i can't see a thing. it just happened so fast. too fast. a good cry won't fix it. a tornado just whipped through us breaking everything good we had. it pushed us into a hundred different directions. and when it's all over all we could do is shrug to our once was friend and go on like we never were. it makes me sad. it makes me cry. and the worst part is that i can't do a thing.
so, i'm trying to figure out what on earth just happened. there was so much hurt, so many tears, so much pain, so much confusion. so many people got their hearts broken today. some, their hearts were already cracked. some, they were trying to play on a heart that was already crushed. some had perfectly good hearts. tomorrow will be a completely different day than today was. i don't know if one of was will walk away today with dry eyes. we lost friends we lost relationships we lost normal. our world was thrashed today. all we can do is was girl movies to take away our pain. at the end of the day the only thing i know is that God is good and my friends are still my friends.

one big fat lesson

so we are going to start my weekend thursday night and i can tell you the bizareness of, what i thought was going to be, a boring weekend. thursday night i went to starbucks with a good friend. life lesson, don't go to coffee with someone that makes you think harder than any teacher does and expect to sleep that night. well we talked about what a true friend looks like and how one should treat you. pretty much she layed down the law of friends, she told me who my one and only true friend is and that i need to learn when to weave the rest out. she said that i need to learn how to deal with conflict and that i need to cry sometimes. oh golly, i hate crying!
on friday i had dinner with my sister, mom and brother. it was a nice dinner, then we watched stick it and the weirdest thing happened. haley was talking to her coach about why she bailed out at worlds and i started crying. don't ask why. i have no idea! well then i went to a friends how and hung out a bit, well a few hours. we played an epic game of taboo, like always. i think that has become my favorite game ever. one day i'll be good at it. okay maybe not.
saturday i realized why i hate conflict. i tried to solve a problem with my best friend. as she made it sound, she did stuff for me that she thought i needed, that i was pretty much more negative that she had ever met, and that i was never her best friend. i cried myself to sleep that night. but the next morning i was okay. i realized that she was still my best friend and that she always will be. even if i mean nothing to her. that morning, i woke up with a peace. a peace that only God can give me. i wasn't mad, angry, upset. slightly hurt but i was peaceful.
then the day started. i realized how much i appreciated the first friend i talked about. she is so stubborn it's amazing. she's so funny i can't stop laughing. she is the most honest person i have ever met. and she has a heart bigger than i thought was possible. she cares for everyone she talks to and she is amazing! then i talked to my other half. she of course took on the anger i couldn't figure out how to have. we sat and talked about what had happened already this weekend. she was just incredible like she always is. but i still needed to think about everything that went on this weekend. late that night i went back to the first friend once again and the funniest thing happened. she told me how i'm the opposite of negative. that i don't take time to find the negative in a situation.
after that i sat and thought about what just happened in the last 85 hours of my life. this weekend was just one big fat lesson. well many lessons. i learned that i need to deal with conflict if i want to make things better because if you don't deal with them now they could get worse. i learned that you can't depend on one person for how your day turns out. i learned that everyone needs a good cry every once in a while. and i learned who my friends are. and i have the most amazing friends in the world. and most importantly i was reminded of how good God is.

every part of me

i have this friend. she is the most amazing person in the world. you know what, i lied. she's not just a friend. she is my best friend. my other half. if i were lilly she would be my miley. she makes everything amazing. she is the one person i can go to for everything. she can go to me. we make the hard decisions together. when she makes a promise she keeps it. i trust her when i find myself not able to trust anyone else in the world. she won't hurt be. she won't break my heart. our circumstances might change but our friendship never will. i love her to death. i know some of you might think it's impossible to keep a friendship the same at a long distance but for us no distance will keep our friendship from being ours. she is my saving grace and i love her more than anyone in this world.

what i want?

i don't know what i want any more. you say you love me but there are so many ways that show me that you don't. to you, i'm a convenience, someone you go to when you can't find anyone else. i know that's not how you see it, but it's how i feel. you treat our friendship as a game. i tried my hardest to blind myself from all of them but i can't do it anymore. this is how i feel. i know you'll think i'm selfish, maybe i am but this is how i feel. but at the end of the day i still want to be your friend. i will still do anything for you, you would do anything for me, or you used to. you have done so much for me, so much to help me find you i am today. that is what clouds my mind when you hurt me. you were always there for me. but life changes. people change. we changed. but after all is said and done i need you as a friend. i try to convince myself otherwise. i try to go other people for what i would go to you for but it's not the same. they don't understand me like you do. this game you play is life and i can't get through it without you. you promised i wouldn't have to. i don't believe in promises anymore. i just want it to go back to normal. i miss you, with all my heart. do i keep trying or just give up? that's the thought i struggle with all the time. then i remember one very important quote: when you feel like giving up, remember why you held on in the first place. that is what brings me back all the time. you will never be a person i'll be okay with losing as a friend. you have done so much for me. i love you with all my heart. at one point i didn't know how terrible my life would be without you. you are an amazing person. don't forget that. you have changed my life so much, every part in a good way. you got me through it all, when no one else could. so, treat me however you want. i have gotten through getting treated worse than you could ever treat me. but promise me one thing. promise me you'll always love me. i can get through anything knowing that. i love you.